Slipped Up/Slipped In

DAY-Int.

ME

I want to wait.

YOU

I don't.

ME

Ok.

Will it hurt?

YOU

Probably.

******************************************

I fucked up. It was going so well. And instead of waking up and eating breakfast, we woke up and had sex. The special kind. So I hurt a little and there is the potential for a lot more hurt, and I already know what that feels like. I didn't like it, but I guess I didn't learn my lesson the first time around. It's funny, it makes me want to call boys I have been toying with seeing and tell them the truth: I don't want any of them. I don't want the Russian either, not this way. I don't want to feel like at any given moment I could be the prettiest or the ugliest or the sweetest or the most annoying or the sexiest or the biggest doofus. I don't like that part of him, I don't want a part of that. I want to be with someone who makes me feel safe. The Russian can't do that for me, or he can if we are friends and I can tell him to fuck off when I think he needs it. I am less capable of doing so when we are something else.

I don't even have much to say. I thought I would. But I have this feeling that I have made a mistake that I might not be able to repair and mostly I feel so sad, because I was so happy with the way we were before. I want it to stay. I want it to grow.

Maybe it still can. If we want it to. If I want it to.

Gchat update: The Russian wanted to know if I was happy with this morning. I said I was mixed up. We talked about it. I think he wants to do this. I said we'll see what happens.