Hydey Hyde

NIGHT- Int.

ME

I'm blah blah blah and I think I need blah blah blah and want blah blah blah and I really deserve blah blah blah.

YOU

I know exactly what you mean.

EVERYONE

We agree entirely.

********************************

I ate dinner and had a drink with Jacob tonight. It did not go as well as it could have. We talked about V. and it was not pleasant. I told him the funny story about the anarchist and then realised later in the conversation that of course! they are both political, so they must know each other, and they do. Open mouth, insert foot. But more importantly, this notion of being political. What the f does that mean, anyhow? He told me I should read Rosa Luxembourg, he said it was a mission, his political life. It was a side of him I had glimpsed, but got a much harder look at tonight. I really tried not to be repulsed, but there it was there. I wanted him to impress me with his logic about his choice to be an activist, or whatever, but I could not prod him into doing so.

I am rarely sure of anything, let alone some kind of political ideology. It creeps me out a little, when I meet dedicated anythings, that have removed the ambiguity from their beliefs about how people should exist in the political world. Who have removed the ambiguity from any facet of their lives, to be honest. Obviously, I make choices, I vote, I decide what to eat and wear when I get up in morning, that I will try really hard not to speak to Bear anymore. And I want to be dedicated and committed to people that I love and who love me, and I do not want to feel uncertain about that. Yet, the thought, or more accurately, the sensation of being feverish over something, of not being able to pull away to think about from any distance, especially something as problematic as any political beliefs, ick. But maybe that sense of revulsion is just a product of not really grasping politics and political theory, and if I knew more about it, I would decide that I am a dedicated something. Can't even make up my mind to not be a zealot!

Sooooo...not a great encounter. Not uncomfortable, but I was not sad that he had to go back and study German. We'll see how the party goes tomorrow night, I guess. The Election Party...

The Russian complained about his gf on chat today, and I did my best to be the friend, but near the end, I couldn't help but point out how f'd up it is that he is talking to me about his relationship problems considering that a month ago, it was me in his bed. He agreed and said thank you. I know I will always give fair advice and point out that he is being too hard on her, and that he has to compromise. But it thrills me a little to know about these things, to let myself hope that he realises he had a nice thing going with me, while meanwhile I know I wasn't exceptionally happy in the situation, that I needed more, and that it is the gross, bitter, resentful parts of me that are making me feel this way. It is hard to keep those feeling separate from the good, warm, feelings that I have, that want him to find that balance he is searching for, with this gf, or Edie, or whoever it is.

Bah. There it is, taking up too much of my time again. Friggin boys. Where are the men?