ME
(smoking)
Thank god for cigarettes.
YOU
(not)
I don't smoke.
ME
But at least you can come outside and gossip with me.
(smoking)
Thank god for cigarettes.
YOU
(not)
I don't smoke.
ME
But at least you can come outside and gossip with me.
I am in a funk. I spent the entire day in bed yesterday, in the same t-shirt that I wore, and had sweat profusely in, on Friday night at the Halloween dinner. I listened to Neil Gaiman read from his new young adult novel. I ate five pancakes. I slept. If my sister had not called to invite me over for dinner and a movie, it's possible I wouldn't have left my bed, and I wouldn't have eaten anything else (although her chicken was delicious; I have to get a meat thermometer...and a new oven).
Funks happen, showering helps, cleaning my apartment helps. I know the Russian situation is not really helping. It isn't difficult, just think-y, which takes up time. The dinner on Friday was good, I am glad he came. He and Bby liked each other, though admittedly, he saw more of her than she of him, just because she is sincere and sweet and he is both those things on command, but not as a rule. Some of the more memorable moments were V waxing poetic about my virtues with the Russian looking on...awkward, pretty much anytime Mchl opened his mouth, my meatballs, the Russian sucking Bby's cupcake icing out of a ziplock, V casually mentioning that in 10 or 15 more meetings he would try to kiss Bby, Bby recounting her first memory...
The Russian left to go meet his new crush, Edie Sedgwick, and I went downstairs to see her but she had driven around the block. It irked me that he was making plans with her while still in his current plans. It irks me more that I can't distill my feelings about the whole situation at all, really. I do know that it would be difficult for me to be satisfied by him, and that is what I have to remember, and what is hard to remember when he is telling me about his desires and difficulties with Edie and his girlfriend. They exist on opposite ends of the spectrum of his desire, and it seems clear to me what lies in the middle (me!). But I don't really want to be that, in my heart of hearts. Friends is what I think I want to be, but it also seems to me that with someone like him, it isn't worth it to be a friend in passing, because you miss the real meat of him that way. There is just such a load of shit (read: sex etc.) confusing me, and it makes me question and ponder, and think too too much.
I guess I should just keep in mind that for all the hers, the hims, the mes and yous, and what it all boils down to is that there is something worth something about the Russian and I. He texted last night to tell me I was the queen of the room on Friday. That was nice. He made me a lovely drawing inspired by the horse in the tree, which was also nice. It doesn't help that other things seem very simple. I am relaxed when I see Jacob, I feel good afterwards, not confused, but i don't want to see him all the time. And that is all fine with me. Simple.
In other news, I did well on the GoC exams, and I don't think I positively bombed my cataloguing midterm. Good news there.
I should change t-shirts.
Funks happen, showering helps, cleaning my apartment helps. I know the Russian situation is not really helping. It isn't difficult, just think-y, which takes up time. The dinner on Friday was good, I am glad he came. He and Bby liked each other, though admittedly, he saw more of her than she of him, just because she is sincere and sweet and he is both those things on command, but not as a rule. Some of the more memorable moments were V waxing poetic about my virtues with the Russian looking on...awkward, pretty much anytime Mchl opened his mouth, my meatballs, the Russian sucking Bby's cupcake icing out of a ziplock, V casually mentioning that in 10 or 15 more meetings he would try to kiss Bby, Bby recounting her first memory...
The Russian left to go meet his new crush, Edie Sedgwick, and I went downstairs to see her but she had driven around the block. It irked me that he was making plans with her while still in his current plans. It irks me more that I can't distill my feelings about the whole situation at all, really. I do know that it would be difficult for me to be satisfied by him, and that is what I have to remember, and what is hard to remember when he is telling me about his desires and difficulties with Edie and his girlfriend. They exist on opposite ends of the spectrum of his desire, and it seems clear to me what lies in the middle (me!). But I don't really want to be that, in my heart of hearts. Friends is what I think I want to be, but it also seems to me that with someone like him, it isn't worth it to be a friend in passing, because you miss the real meat of him that way. There is just such a load of shit (read: sex etc.) confusing me, and it makes me question and ponder, and think too too much.
I guess I should just keep in mind that for all the hers, the hims, the mes and yous, and what it all boils down to is that there is something worth something about the Russian and I. He texted last night to tell me I was the queen of the room on Friday. That was nice. He made me a lovely drawing inspired by the horse in the tree, which was also nice. It doesn't help that other things seem very simple. I am relaxed when I see Jacob, I feel good afterwards, not confused, but i don't want to see him all the time. And that is all fine with me. Simple.
In other news, I did well on the GoC exams, and I don't think I positively bombed my cataloguing midterm. Good news there.
I should change t-shirts.
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