The viewing was on Thursday, and it was warmer than most wakes I have been to. There were five or six photo collages of various periods in Mario's life, and the love that made them was touching. There were also some of his things- his driver, some stuffed animals, a mini bbq, arranged around the room, which I also liked. There is always awkwardness, seeing people you should probably have seen more recently, but it took a funeral to get you together, hugging and kissing a lot of people, witnessing grief. But there was a lot of warmth to compensate. The funeral the next day had the same feeling. It was not very religious. The only hiccup I noticed was that a version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow seems to be for funerals what Time of Your Life by Green Day was to graduations when I graduated. But I only noticed because the same song played at Pigface's funeral last week. It made me think that funeral directors get together at some conference in Boca Raton or Miami and examine trends and best practices in death rites. Talking about it with the Russian, I think I realized why I always notice 'errors' at funerals, because they are so ritualistic that if something exposes the framework behind the tradition, it pokes holes in the ritual that those in mourning need. But this funeral home was very careful to make sure the projector and screen worked for the slideshow, that the food was well presented and people knew when to go up to the urn and when to retire to the reception. They left supplies in the washroom: tampons and pads, hairspray and mouthwash, to avoid any awkwardness, well placed boxes of tissues and waste paper baskets. And it worked. It kept the tradition and ritual feeling familiar and comforting, to have those details looked after.
My cousin Karen was fragile and small and I felt like I wanted to help her, but I had no idea what to do. I just hugged her.
Friday night I met the Russian for a walk and dinner and he said he felt like he was going crazy, that he had made a mistake and maybe we are meant to be and by the end of the evening I think he was ready to propose. He kind of did. Meanwhile, Art texted me to say that he was going to have the break up conversation with his wife. I wish I could find the anger to hold out like a knife at the Russian, but it seems to have evaporated. I love the jackass. He asked me if he should give up and leave me alone, and I couldn't say yes. But I also know that I want time to try something else. It is so strange to love someone so much, and also feel myself falling for someone else. I have never experienced it before. I was thinking about falling asleep on Art's shoulder on the train and how happy I was.
Maybe I just like the attention? God, I hope not. I should be saying, what do I want? And the truth is, I have no idea. I want the time to figure it out. That is what I have asked of both of them.
I woke up on Friday night in a sweat and proceeded to ralph for a solid 20 minutes while on the toilet. It was awful and continued all yesterday. I couldn't help Christina move, which I really wanted to, just to see her and Sabina. I felt good enough by about ten last night to go and wish the Armenian a happy birthday. Saw some people (Jessica Rabbit among them) I hadn't seen in a long time. I was explaining this recurring awkward situation that I have with one of the Armenian's friends that I have known since cegep to another old friend from cegep and had this awful moment where I realized the awkward guy was standing directly behind me. Thank god he didn't hear, but I almost wish he would have and then he wouldn't be so obsessed with me and make me feel so darn awkward. The Armenian looked lovely and happy, and I was glad to see it. Hopefully Christine is having a good day today, too. She deserves a little lightness.
Overall, a good weekend, but I do feel like I am waiting for something to fall. But the waiting room is very nice.
This is a painting by Balint Szako. Art bought me a book of his drawings and paitings at MOCCA. I love them.
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