Advice

The Russian sent me this today, after a conversation on the phone last night where there were things I wanted to say, but didn't find the strength. He said I was strong, stronger than anyone he has ever met, but what I was too weak to tell him to give up, that what he is feeling isn't real, it's jealousy and fear that he won't find someone he likes more than me. But I love him, and I couldn't. Maybe another time. Maybe I deserve to hear him tell me all these things, except that it could end up kicking me in the ass later on, when he does fall in love with someone else. I mean really, he is seeing someone, how does he expect to convince me he is a changed man if he can do that? But I guess I am capable of doing it.

And then there is the stupid, naked, hopeful sliver of me that is like, he's telling the truth, he found what he was looking for and it's me!

Which is all besides the point, which is...what am I looking for?

Art is so sweet. He was showing me photos of U of T campus that he thought I would like, and there were photos of his wedding and others with his little family, dogs and wife, and he looked so different than how I see him. He looks at me with wide eyes all the time, and when he bursts out laughing it is against his will. He says he is a little terrified of me, that he never imagined he would be able to get close to me and the fact that I like him is a constant surprise. And then I look at those photos and I see sarcasm and irritation and affection, but mostly he is really relaxed. I asked him about this, and he said it takes a long time for him to let his guard down, which I understand. I do it in a different way, but my armour stays up for a while too.

So...I have this feeling that telling them both to leave me alone might be a smart choice. I am not always so good at taking the high road, though.

Am finally going to see Sabina tomorrow for Christine's birthday. We are going to the polar bear club. I have to admit that I am exhausted from taking the bus to Montreal so often and sleeping on couches, being busy, trying to get regular tasks done when I keep on traveling to Montreal. Going to see Lev felt like going to my other home, but this is different.

I wonder how Lindsay is doing...it was strange giving her advice (Christine is right; everyone bullies her, for better or for worse, and we should be careful) that I should be taking myself: to not be scared to displease people, that if they care about her they will stick around and she should decide what is best for her, and not base it on what people want from her. I think the Sparkses in general could use that advice.

It felt like the first day of winter today. Not so much this morning, when the snow was still new and the frozen fall leaves were crunching under my boots while I paced around waiting for my lift- it felt temporary, awaiting warmer temperatures. But tonight when I left work the trees were bare and icy and it smelled like cold weather. I don't really like winter (winter freckles- why does winter give me bad skin?) but it was pleasant stepping out into the cold sunset.