Let's Get On With It

What better time to rekindle blogging than in the midst of heartbreak? I chronicled the beginning of that relationship here, so it seems appropriate to try and lift this hurt up off my chest and put it somewhere else.

I have been thinking about how I have changed over the last two years, and I think it has not been much for the better. My coworker was telling me about a party she and her friends had because none of them went to their proms, so they decided to recreate it. They all graduated in the 80's, so it was essentially an 80's party. I remembered that I still have my prom dress my mom made me. And I am sitting it in now and it fits me. My tits are a little bigger, but everything else is just the same. The same as when I was 16. Except now all I see when I look at myself in the mirror are my thighs and ass and belly. I remember feeling satisfied looking at myself, and now all I see are its imperfections. Things I never even used to think were imperfections! I look at other women that I didn't used to be envious of, and I am jealous of their narrow thighs and length and height, their elegance.

That is just my body. These days, I am not sure how I think people should treat each other. I used to be a little bit more sure, or maybe I just trusted my feeling about it, without putting too much thought into it. I believed in honesty, but now I don't know if that is just because I am scared to not have control and it is easier to be made a fool of when you are caught unawares. I never thought I could make as many concessions as I have, enjoy pleasing someone so much and never really wish to be pleased. I have learned I never want to be in the wrong and will do a lot to escape it. I am scared that I stack up good deeds so that my bad ones can't be held against me, so I will always be the wronged one and will feel entirely justified making that claim. Who wants to make that kind of claim anyway?

Maybe this is what toxic relationships do to a person. They bring out all your weaknesses in the worst light possible and pry them open. I think it is good to learn about yourself. But it is better to examine them from a stronghold, no? From somewhere safe where they can't rush you in force and overwhelm your defenses. Or from the safety of someone loving them because they love you.

I sometimes feel like I brought out the worst in him. The best too, but I was always forcing him to confront ugly things about himself that he had never thought were ugly. But thighs and lies are not the same!

Shit. I don't know. I am sad and still sort of in disbelief that this has happened. I wake up every morning thinking we are still together.