Let It Begin

Friday was a mistake. I knew I wasn't ready to make small talk with the Russian, but wanted to talk to him so desperately that I did. The result was an outburst of sadness that began to leak out over dinner with Christine and then broke open in a flood on the drive home.
So.
Everyone goes through break-ups. Everyone gets over them, eventually. I will too. I realize that in my heart I wanted to stand apart, have this beautiful connection with someone no one thought I could have it with. Or I thought no one thought I could have it. Maybe it was just me. As if having something work against the odds, that because it is hard, because it took so much work and sacrifice, as if that made it more valuable than if it had come easily. The old horse with his head in the tree. Whatever is in there is probably the same as something that could be had without having to put your head in a tree. The truth is that the Russian is warm and funny and smart and handsome and made me feel special, and we like a lot of the same things, could spend a lot of time together, have the same sense of humour, clicked sexually, and genuinely loved each other. But he also made me feel bad about myself, judged me quite harshly at times, wasn't always there for me, lied to me, and took out his frustration on me, and could often be cold. So no matter how many good things we had going, there are some things that would continue to take us apart. He said it was his doubt, about a future with me, about his ability to be faithful, but I suspect it is really more about who he is. I was always waiting for who I saw inside him to come out.
It makes me so angry that I gave our relationship everything I had because I loved him so much, still love him, and yet, I still didn't get what I wanted. To be seen fully and to be loved by the person I love because they know who I am and they want to know more, to watch me grow, to grow together. But not this time. I feel like I deserve it, to get what I love. Maybe that isn't the way to think about it, though. I honestly wasn't sure if I had that kind of love inside me, and at least I know that I do. I just have to give it to someone who deserves it. But this talk of deserving...
I don't think I could have retrieved myself out of that funk without Christine and Bby. I need to be grounded every so often, because my emotion fueled rationality starts turning on me and my thoughts go bananas.
I cleaned my whole apartment today, and ran until I thought I would collapse, and watched both National Treasure movies and yesterday I watched the latest Indiana Jones movie. All three were much better than I thought they would be, or perhaps more accurately, I am the perfect audience for them at the moment.

I am ready to accept what happens next, which I think is letting time have her way with me.