Thursday Report

YOU

I want to go to the zoo.

ME

I see. Are you watching porn?

YOU

I love you. And yes.

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Although I usually make these little scenes up, this one up here is f'real. Except for the 'and yes' part. The Russian was in actual fact reading Stranger in a Strange Land. It's strange (haha), I lent him that book because I remember liking it so much, but he talks about these parts, and I don't remember any of them. I wonder if your brain just refuses to keep everything after a while. Or you have to train it with new things to take advantage of the unused space. Like, if you make art, you have to start learning bookkeeping, or your brains will atrophy.

It's been a long time since I posted. Mostly because I have been pretty happy, and if there ain't no drama, what the hell is there to write about. But then I thought, that is not the way it should be, and also, boys aren't the be all, end all of everything, I have other things to talk about, don't I? Yet, I think I have to scratch that, because I have had some anxiety laden events whack me over the last couple of weeks, but I don't feel anxious about them. I feel more anxious about not having any money and finding a job when I graduate than anything else.

I had breakfast with my mom yesterday and I voiced some of my insecurities, of which I have many and new ones seem to be cropping up all the time, about my abilities and qualifications. I have this feeling that I am not really all that bad at anything, but I am not really great at anything, and more importantly, not passionate about anything the way I would like to be. That scares me. But I can't let those feeling paralyze me, or sap me either.

I have been seeing the pretty Armenian I spoke of in an earlier post, and I like her very much. So far, this has not affected the Russian and I, even though I keep on asking him, is it ok? does this make you feel strange? how do you feel now? His responses are always encouraging and sometimes kind of gross. We ran into her on the metro the other day and had a pleasantly tension filled ride, the three of us. I like her mobile mouth.

What else? The Russian and I went to the opera last weekend, saw Verdi's Macbeth, was very difficult for me to stay awake. Not because I don't like opera (though I don't like it all that much), but because it was really horrible, all around. Went to a lecture given by John Ralston Saul on Tuesday. I thought he was smarmy, brimming with rhetoric and not much else, but then...I like what he had to say about the value of orality, it is an interesting problem to consider, especially form an archival point of view, which is so reliant on the record. It is difficult to imagine a memory of a voice, or the phenomenon of a voice speaking to open ears listening having more value then the court stenographer's record of it, and yet it should, I think. And inserting this idea into our legal system, for example? What a shift. Also, I should probably have read his books.

Bebito and I had dinner tonight, we have not seen each other in a while. Was overwhelmed by love when she came into the lounge at school. And I think that is a nice place to end off, yes? Yes. And maybe this: